Christian Short Stories

Ramblings
By George E. Davis

George writes: "I am retired, for the fourth time, and live with my wife in Westbrook, Maine. I retired officially in October of 1999, and after two years of relaxation(???) I went back to work and worked three more jobs at a total of ten more years retiring last January. We are Maineiacs by birth and Christian by Grace. Jesus is Lord of All."

I was born on the eighteenth day of January nineteen hundred and thirty eight. It was as I have often been told, the coldest day of that year, twenty eight below zero. Of course, I can neither deny nor verify that statistic personally as I was too busy eating, or drinking at the time, a habit that has stayed with me all these years.

The first thing we learn to do is cry, then eat and then we top it off with a long nap, so we can stay awake all night crying and eating, talking and walking come later. We, as newborns, learn that if we wah wah enough we'll get something to eat, and at times a fresh change of clothes. Then we learn that if we throw a temper tantrum we will get our own way. They'll give in, parents are like that. How about the little one that holds his breath until he turns purple and scares his mother into giving him what he wants. My solution to that little scenario is, throw a glass of water in his face, it will frighten him, and he'll suck in his breath. He won't pull that trick again.

Just as we don't leave a baby at the hospital and tell them to come home as soon as they grow up. "You can find your way home, ask a lot of questions. See you when you get home." We shouldn't leave baby Christians to find their own way home. It happens all too often in the churches today. A person receives Christ, and instead of taking them under our wing, we leave them to fend for themselves, and when they don't make it, we condemn them, "They weren't serious, they were just pretending, they were not really saved." The truth is they failed because no one cared enough to make sure they were in the Word. "Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God."

In our society today we are more concerned with the children getting a "well rounded" education, which, by the way, doesn't include reading the Word of God. I remember I witnessed to a woman a few years ago. She had two young boys, probably five and eight years old at the time. I told her, she should take them to church and enroll them in Sunday School. She worked for two Christians, in their restaurant, as a waitress. Her answer to me was, "I don't believe we should force our kids to go to church. I believe we should wait until they are old enough to make their own decisions about religion." That, my friends, is a hellish way of looking at raising children. That is like taking your five year old child a hundred miles from home, dropping him off in an unfamiliar territory and saying; "If you decide you want to come back home you'll find your way." It wouldn't take long for that child to get lost, and it is the same result if we leave such a decision about their eternal life to the future. Yesterday was a long time ago, and tomorrow may never come, there is only today. "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Key word being TRAIN.

When you stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ, you will have no excuse. You have heard the Gospel, and now you must do something with it. Let me give you a hint; if you remain neutral it counts as rejection. Yes for Jesus or no thank you I refuse Jesus. I'll make up my mind on my deathbed doesn't count, you may not have an opportunity to do so then.

We need to stop following man and start following Jesus. Remember when the Jimmy's in the seventies fell from grace. I was working in a restaurant at the time Jimmy Swaggart had his troubles. A woman came in the day after the news broke on television. She was devastated. I asked her what her problem was, and she said she was upset Jimmy had fallen. "And," she said, "I've sent him money for years, and look what happened. Who can you trust now?"

"Jesus," I told her. She was upset that a powerful preacher had fallen and not concerned that Jesus never fails. All she kept saying was "I've sent him money and he let us down." Finally, I told her, "You've got your eyes on the wrong man, you should put your eyes on Jesus, he will never let you down." She just stared at me as if I had two heads. She wasn't interested in hearing the truth, she wanted someone to moan and groan with her. I did not accommodate her.

Televangelists may be preaching the Word, but they are not the Word. "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." "Do not trust in princes, In mortal man, in whom there is no salvation."

Speaking of evangelists, I like the story of the evangelist that came to a small church once a year to hold revival services. A dear sister, who was particularly fond of the preacher, stopped him after the service the first night and said, "You remember Sister Louise, don't you preacher?" The evangelist said he did remember her.

"Well since you were here last she's had her teeth out, and a new stove and refrigerator put in."

This world we live in is so much different than the one I grew up in years ago. Neighbors helped each other, now they help themselves to whatever their neighbors have. There was an old saying when I was younger, it went something like this; 'Do unto others before they have a chance to do it to you.' It was funny, but certainly not scriptural. Back in the day men and women knew God first, Family second and Self last. Now it has been turned around. Self first, Family (whatever you consider a family to be), and little or no part of God.

The Liberals would like to make this a country without borders, a global union where all people are united under one flag, a one world government. Guess who would want to be the leader?

The Liberals have for years been the go to people for a hand out, not hand up. If they had their way, only a few of the people would work to feed the welfare people. Wait, isn't that what's happening now? The Liberals want to free up the welfare people to take vacations to Florida, buy a dozen lottery tickets every week, and make more money without working. They smoke a carton of cigarettes a week, and drink a fifth of whiskey every week while playing poker with their welfare checks and food stamps. No wonder we are trillions of dollars in debt. We need to go back to Bible principles, especially the scripture that says; "If a man doesn't work; he doesn't eat." Of course, there are exceptions to this rule, a man or woman who is crippled in body or mind, or a bread winner, after trying, in vain, to find a job but can't find one. These people need help.

A few years ago we lived in an apartment complex, in my hometown, where there we had a neighbor, who claimed he couldn't work. He collected welfare, SSI and food stamps, while working on cars in the parking lot. The manager eventually told him, it was against the renter's agreement to work on automobiles in the lot.

One day this man's wife came down the walk toward our apartment stopping to talk. She had a glass of coffee brandy and announced "This is my only vice." As she stood talking, she told us, she was upset. "They (the Government) have taken my husband's SSI away from him. How are we going to live?"

Let him go to work, was my first thought. This man had been living on welfare most of his live. He believed he was born to be the leader of the welfare folks. He tried to influence a young man, who lived in the same block, to go on welfare. He told him, it was easy. "Why work when you can sit on your butt and collect a check." With his SSI in jeopardy, he resorted to the only means he knew, call the rescue team, and one morning around ten, the rescue wagon, showed up, lights flashing, siren blowing, at this man's house and they quickly lugged him out on a stretcher. Two hours later he returned home. A week later they (the Government) had given back his SSI and retroactive pay, as well. You're going to like this next part. Six months later he bought a house through a Government plan and moved up country.

We are a nation that has come to rely on the Government, expecting them to take care of us, that is, some of us. The persons who genuinely need help usually don't ask for it, they are too proud. There probably wouldn't be enough money if they did because the professional welfare people have taken all the benefits.

We are a people with our hands out, and a 'what's in it for me' attitude. Everybody wants to sue somebody to make a fast buck. A couple of years ago I received a check in the mail, the result of a win in a class action suit against this company. I didn't sign up for it, nor was I aware the company was being sued. The letter informed me, I had purchased this product that was faulty, and the check was compensation for my inconvenience. You are not going to believe the amount of the check. You're thinking a hundred thousand, ten thousand, or maybe five hundred. Would you believe thirty seven cents? That's right, thirty seven cents. I threw the check in the wastebasket. With hindsight, I should have framed it and hung it on the wall.

Nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions or results of their abuse. Blame your heart trouble on Burger King, your tobacco addiction, lung cancer or emphysema on the cigarette companies. What next blame your arthritis on a Jane Fonda workout video?

Where will it stop? The Bible says the sun will rise every morning and will set every night, some things are certain. Look at us humans we are living into our nineties. Someone dies at seventy five, and we say; "gee, he died young." Seventy five years ago if a man died at seventy five we said; "Well, he lived a good long life." See the difference folks? Let me show you some other things you will have to look forward to if you make it to old age.

Old age is when your knees buckle but your belt won't. Your teeth are like stars they come out every night. Your stomach is so distressed Rolaids give you heartburn. You have hair growing everywhere but on the top of your head. It grows on top of your nose, in and around your ears, but, not on your dome, where by rights, it should grow. There was a time you could take stairs three at a time, now you are lucky if you can take the stairs one at a time. Once you could see, and read a sign a thousand feet ahead on the road, now you can't see that sign at all, let alone read it. The length of your arm shortens to the point you need reading glasses, as well. You complain to your wife, and accuse her of using shrinking powder in the washing machine because your shirts won't button.

They have artificial anything now days. False teeth, hearing aids, partial plates, lens implants, heart transplants, lung transplants, cochlear implants. Don't forget face lifts are the surgery of choice in this country. Some have had their mug lifted so many times if their face falls they'll be breathing through their knee caps.

How about the fact your forgetter works amazingly well, but your rememberer fades fast. You can remember something you did when you were ten years old with tremendous accuracy, but can not remember what you had for breakfast. They call it short term memory loss, and yes they have a pill for it.

We are living longer because of technology. Another twenty years if a person dies at one hundred we'll be saying, "Too bad, he had so much more living to do. He was so young."

When it is all over, the Bible says we return to the earth and our spirit goes back to God who gave it, then the judgement.

I know you have heard the old saying; "It's not what you know, it's who you know." Well, when Jesus returns, that saying will certainly be true. Are you ready for His return? Do you know that if you died right now you would go to Heaven? You say, "I think I would go to heaven," or "I've never hurt anyone, I'm a good person." That does not cut it folks. The Bible says there is not one good person living. And, if you are not sure of your salvation, you need to make a decision before you die, because after, there is no way to change your mind.

"Oh, God, I see what you mean by accepting Your Son. I make that decision now." That will not be a statement you can make after death. It is all in the now, not the bye and bye.

I know what you are thinking. "If I become a Christian that will be the end of my having fun. I'll turn into an old sourpuss. I'll have to give up dancing, swearing, smoking, and all my other vises." You won't have to give up anything. God will place in you a desire to serve Him, and the want to will fade away. You will be on a high like you have never been on before, and you can keep your money in your pocket. Because you can't buy salvation, never could, can't now, and never will be able to.

Do not think for one minute God does not want you to have fun, laugh and be happy. Try to get rid of the pictures you have in your mind of pious old deacons. They look sour enough to have been baptized in dill pickle juice. Think of Jesus and humor. He said, "It will be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God." Don't you think that's a little bit funny? Not the part about not being able to enter the Kingdom, but the illustration He used. He also told the crowd to "...first remove the board from your eye before you remove the itty bitty dot from your brother's eye." I took some liberty with the paraphrase, but you get the picture. If Jesus did not have a sense of humor, we would not have one.

It's when you can laugh at yourself that you can laugh at others. I'm not afraid to give you some statistics concerning moi. I weigh a hundred and plenty, and too bulky for my frame. I'm what you might call, obese, not morbidly obese, just downright fat. I have heard every fat joke there is to tell, like:

You've got more chins than a Chinese telephone directory, and I particularly like the greeting a friend of mine used not having seen me for over a year, he said, "I see you've added a couple of chins since I saw you last." What would life be like if we couldn't laugh at ourselves? It would be pretty dull I fear.

When I was in school, my mother packed my lunches. We couldn't afford the money for noontime meals that the school offered. I'm still mad at her; she was such a terrible cook I got a D in lunch.

How about all these government regulations. If the EPA gets any stricter toward aerosols and the environment, we'll be buying roll on Raid.

Things that are not so popular: A Seventh Day Adventist whose wife divorced him. She smelled pot roast on his breath.

A pork chop at a Bar Mitzpah.

Caviar at a Red Neck Barbeque.

How about limericks, don't you just love Limericks? Here's one I heard fifty years ago, and I can not forget it, though I have tried for years.

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept his cash in a bucket
He had a daughter Nan
Who ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nan tucket.

For thousands of years, man has been on a quest, to make people laugh. The Bible condones this. Oh, you don't think so? How about; "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit drieth up the bones?" So go ahead you old sourpusses and get arthritis if you want.

Kings and Queens had court jesters to make them laugh. People have to laugh; it is a natural part of life. That is why we have comedians, the modern court jesters.

Hecklers, on the other hand, are usually a creation of overindulgence in the grape juice. One time, years ago, I attended a sales seminar. The people promoting the seminar brought in a comedian from New York. He was funny, but the more some of my fellow workers and bosses drank, the more insane they became. The service manager started throwing dinner rolls at another manager at the opposite end of the table. That wasn't enough, making a fool of himself, and distracting from the entertainer's skit, he became uncontrollable. He began concentrating on heckling the comedian. The entertainer stopped, looked at the buffoon, and said; "Out of the five thousand sewer holes in the city this jerk has to fall into mine." The comment of the heckler was even funnier. "Whossh he talkin' 'bout anyway?"

You know something; humor followed me right into the church after I got saved. My idea of the church was probably the same as your's is now, a bunch of stiff necked hypocrites who never smile and are always trying to catch you in a sin. You can have fun in the church; it's okay. You can grin sheepishly, smile and sometimes even laugh out loud.

The job of the preacher is still the same, win souls to Christ, and you can do that with humor too. An evangelist that used to travel the circuit coming to Maine once a year had flyers made up that read; "The Word delivered with humor and truth." An excellent preacher who could hold your attention the whole two hours he preached, and when he was through, you hated to get up and go home. He had traveled with A A Allen for years, and he had a soothing anointing when presenting the Gospel.

I remember a church I had attended years ago. One Sunday a traveling preacher from New Hampshire showed up at church. The pastor, who knew the brother, decided to allow him to preach the evening service. This man was probably in his late sixties, not one tooth in his head, the pastor of the church called him Reverend Gummy. I felt sorry for the preacher, but he seemed to take it in stride.

That night he preached on the Fall of Man. He started off by saying the serpent was the most subtle (he pronounced it sub-tile) of all the animals in the garden. After I realized what he had just said, I chuckled quietly. I never forgot that man or that night.

There is humor in everything, if you do not believe me read some of the instructions on appliance labels and other products. On a drain cleaner: Do not take internally. I'll say, if you do you will be singing with the angels a half hour later. On medicine bottles we sometimes get innocuous instructions. For sleeping aid, we read: May cause drowsiness, and can cause blindness, gout, upper respiratory ailment, loss of hearing, and a myriad of other dysfunctions. Medicine for Prostate relief; do not take if pregnant or thinking of becoming pregnant. I would add, in the event you do become pregnant, call me at...... I want to be your manager.

Animal activists are growing in numbers, you know, those guys that think because you eat a hamburger you are a murderer. Where do they eat, Broccoli King? Have it your way as long as you don't use whey in the process.

Death: Ever notice how people die in alphabetical order? How about these obits that now mention animals. I read one the other day that said; "Bill is survived by his wife Ethel, two sons, a daughter and his furry son, Muffy." Another read; "Is survived by his wife Mildred, one son and his best friend, Fido his dog." Dogs have no friends. Who could be friends with anything that lays on a couch, cleans itself with its tongue, and kisses its owner on the lips, laps his ice cream cone and drools all over his new Hilfiger Tee?

A group standing at the casket of a friend who had died way too young was asked by another friend; "What would you like people to say as they view you in your casket?" The first young man said, "He was a good man." The second man said, "He was a good father and husband." The third man when asked said, "Look, he just moved."

How about visiting the doctor's office in your old age. This is what might take place. The doctor comes into the room, sits down, looks over your chart and begins.

"You may experience some discomfort." Translation: Get ready for some excruciating pain, Unbearable discomfort, and jaw jarring agony.

"This medicine has very few side effects. It is very safe." Translation: it is remarkably safe are the words of the salesman who left the samples for the doctor. Get ready to take the ride of your life. You will spin out of control. The Vertigo will be so intense you will wake in the middle of the night, head swimming and the room traveling at warp speed. Try throwing up into a ten quart cleaning pail traveling at the speed of sound. Good luck hitting the target.

"This surgery may have some minor setbacks." Translation: Get ready to wake up hooked to four different machines. One for breathing, one to allow all that solution to drip into your body, one to monitor your heart, and blood pressure, and one to calculate everything for billing purposes.

"Does this hurt?" Translation: The doctor touches where it hurts the most, adding to the already torturous, unceasing throbbing pain. Then he asks, "Did that hurt?" as if he had not already caused you enough pain to go into cardiac arrest.

"How are we feeling?" Translation: Will you live long enough to pay your bill? If not would you mind paying cash on your way out? Where do they get this "we" thing? As if they felt your pain.

"Do you smoke?" Translation: This is an inevitable question. Either he wants to, one, 'borrow' a cigarette, two, he is working for the FDA, more likely he needs something to blame on your malady.

"Do you drink alcohol?" Translation: Because if you do, you will be restricted to one, one ounce drink per day. If you do not imbibe, he is thinking, maybe you should, because that way you would not spend so much time bugging him about your ailments.

"You need to get more exercise." I love this one. Translation: Your mind tells you to exercise while your body declares "you got to be kidding me." By the way, did you notice his new Mercedes in the parking lot? You have to wonder how much exercise he gets, and who's paying for that fancy automobile.

"This prescription, It should take care of your problems." Translation: "I would not lie to you." Check the side effects. Often they are worse than the cure. You went to the doctor to get something to make you sleep, not vegetate. The small add on tags on your medicine bottle filled at the pharmacy for insomnia probably say something like this. "May cause light headiness, drowsiness (you can hope), diarrhea, upset stomach, headache, Gout, upper respiratory infection, pneumonia and get this, insomnia.

"I want to see you again in two weeks." Translation: I need to make a payment on my new Mercedes by the end of the month.

I love the old hymn, "The light of the world is Jesus."

The whole world was lost in the darkness of sin; The Light of the world is Jesus; Like sunshine at noonday, His glory shone in; The Light of the world is Jesus.

Come to the Light, 'tis shining for thee! Sweetly the Light has dawned upon me; Once I was blind, but now I can see; The Light of the world is Jesus.

No darkness have we who in Jesus abide; The Light of the world is Jesus; We walk in the Light when we follow our Guide; The Light of the world is Jesus. (chorus)

Ye dwellers in darkness with sin-blinded eyes; The Light of the world is Jesus; Go wash at His bidding and light will arise; The Light of the world is Jesus.

Light is the fastest thing measured in the universe at 186,282 miles per second. What's faster? Darkness getting out of the way. If you are living in darkness, turn on the light. Jesus said, I am the light of the World. He also told us, we were light, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father, which is in heaven."

Three types of Christians:

Kleenex Christian: One solid blow and he's gone. Gung Ho and then nothing. Alka Seltzer Christian: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz oh what a relief it is. All fizz and no body or substance. Ford Christians: They have a better idea. They want to teach God, not let God teach them.

I may be a nut, but I'm screwed onto the right bolt. We should be as secure in Jesus as a nut is to a bolt.

Have you seen men who bare their chests, paint them, and their faces, to match their team colors, hold up a foam hand with a finger pointing up, signifying number one? They go to the football game, shout themselves hoarse, jump up and down when their team scores and generally make fools of themselves. These men are called, fans, short for fanatic. These same men, if they go to church at all, sit in church, nodding off during the service, and God forbid they should shout amen. When their neighbor shouts amen they think what a nut this guy is, hollering in church. I don't see anything to get excited about in here. These men are called simply church goers. I call them pew warmers. They are afraid to make any noise, maybe the pastor would ask them to become an usher or a deacon. How would their friends feel about that? They would think I was nuts or something. Oh, it's okay to take off your shirt, paint your body and face two different colors, shout and scream? But that's just being a loyal fan, rooting for your team you say. I say, try rooting for Jesus, He is the one who saves. If the churches could be as filled as the football stadiums on Sunday, more people would be reached for the Lord.

Time to say AMEN!

Please note: I have not given you scripture book and verse. I want you to find them for yourself. You may use a concordance, it is not cheating, but calling your pastor to find them for you is cheating. Good fortune!

(© 2012 George E. Davis – All rights reserved. Written material may not be duplicated without permission.)

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